[HeartStrongList] An Open Letter to Debra Faulkner

[heartstrong at heartstrong.org]

Hi Everyone..

The following is an open letter to Bryce Faulkner's mother.  Many young
men and women are coerced into restorative therapy by parents and
religious leadership.  Others enroll themselves as they attempt to gain
acceptance from family, friends and religion.

Bryce's mother has been only slightly responsive to the attention her
son's situation has garnered.  It's pretty typical for parents in her
situation to be confused and angry.

Here is a link to a video telling Bryce's story from the perpective of his
boyfriend, Travis.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ED_tgtGpuw

Bryce's mother claims that none of this is true.  Her defensiveness and
failure to disclose her son's whereabouts is similar to how many parents
respond when they are "found out" with regards to their feelings and
actions toward their GLBT kids.

For more than 13 years, HeartStrong has been providing outreach and
support to people who are entangled in restorative therapy.  This is why
HeartStrong owns http://www.exgay.com.

We can only hope that somehow Bryce is okay and not involved in
restorative therapy.  However, erring on the side of safety is always best
in these situations.  Rather than condemn Bryce's mom who allegedly is
responsible for Bryce's involvement in restorative therapy, I have sent
the following letter for her and others to read.

We are hoping that this entire ordeal will result in a family being
brought together by love instead of torn apart by religion and hatred.

AN OPEN LETTER TO DEBRA FAULKNER


Dear Debra,

I am sure by now you have heard every possible rant against your alleged
actions regarding Bryce.

It is very common for many Christian parents to try to convince their
offspring that there is better life than life lived as a gay, lesbian,
bisexual or transgender person.  For many Christian parents, the reaction
to discovering their children's sexual orientation and/or gender
identity/expression is very similar to what is suspected of you.

That shock coupled with the lack of education provided to most parents
about having GLBT children can be overwhelming.

Whether it was your decision or Bryce's to begin the process of changing
his behavior from gay to straight is actually irrelevant.

Whether Bryce is interested in having a relationship with Travis or not is
also irrelevant.

What is most important during this time is that you and Bryce are able to
extinguish whatever myths are floating around as well and support and
report the truth about where Bryce is.

No one will believe the things you have said in your responses until Bryce
comes forward without you. Posting items on blogs and sending emails is
not a valid way for him or you to respond to this situation.  There is no
way to prove someone actually posted something online.  So you can post
all you want and it's just not believable.

Many, many people have been coerced by their families and their religions
to believe that they need to change their behavior.  It is not uncommon at
all for people to think that they need to be heterosexual in their
behavior in order to please God.  Additionally, many parents just like
you, cannot imagine being accountable to their God for the loss of their
child (youth or adult) to homosexuality.

For those reasons, many people are very sensitive to people being put into
restorative therapy programs whether one on one with a minister or with
larger groups.

Your assertions that Bryce came to you on his own shows an unnatural
response on his part to his homosexuality.  Your statement about that
proves that somewhere along his journey he was taught that homosexuality
is a sin and is something to be discarded instead of accepted, respected
and embraced.

I am assuming that he would have received that message from a combination
of your parenting and the religion chosen by you and him.  That's the most
common source of this information about homosexuality.

My father was an independent fundamentalist Baptist minister, not much
different from your own pastor.  I received my messages about
homosexuality solely from religious sources when I was growing up.  As a
teenager I was so indoctrinated about homosexuality from my religious
sources (ie church, the Bible, etc) that I wanted to end my life.  By the
age of 15, I was ready to end my life.  I couldn't see a future for me if
I accepted myself as I was.

I was completely tortured from the inside out.  Some of that came from
other people but as time went on, most of it ended up come from within
myself.  I was so sure that I could never be loved or even love myself.  I
had one last resort, seeking help to try to change myself.

I found an organization not too far from where you live to help me in my
process of changing my behavior. For 2 1/2 years I went through what some
people now call exgay therapy or restorative therapy.  I felt my options
were slim.  It was either end my life or change my life.

I really thought that I was pleasing the God I believed in at that time. 
I thought that I was doing the right thing.

I did change my behavior, it's actually quite easy to change any kind of
behavior provided you have the right motivation.  For me, the fear of
burning in hell forever was enough motivation for me to change my
behavior.  However, what I wasn't changing was how I felt on the inside. 
I still felt exactly the same as I did before I began my process.   When I
spoke of this to my counselors they assured me that because I was a sinful
human being, I would really never change those feelings.  What I should
look for as far as change was how I lived my life.

They guaranteed me that even though I was changing my behavior, that I
would still "fall off the wagon" because I was, once again, a sinful human
being.

I had already spent most of my life up to that point already believing the
Bible and that I was a sinful human being so their words made alot of
sense to me.

One day, years into my counseling, I was contemplating my life up to that
point, including the endless hours I had spent on working to change my
behavior.  Most of my life up to that point I had asked myself if I should
or shouldn't change my behavior.  I had decided to change my behavior but
I never asked myself WHY I wanted to change my behavior.

And, when I asked myself that question, I realized that I was trying to
change my behavior for just one reason and that reason was acceptance.
Very early in my life I felt that if I wasn't accepted by my family, my
friends, the world around me and my religion of choice that I should
change in order to achieve the acceptance of those people and things.  My
entire life revolved around my obsession with being accepted by the God I
believed in at the time, my family, my friends and the world I lived in.

Then it hit me.  This obsession with acceptance was the reason why I had
never felt like a whole person and why I had never experienced personal
peace.

I could certainly choose to live the rest of my life living my life like
heterosexuals.  I could find a girl, marry her, have children and do
everything else a heterosexual lifestyle requires.  Or, I could choose to
live an honest life, learn how to accept myself, find a man, share my life
with him and have children or not have children.

I had to decide if I wanted to live my life as an honest man or as a
sincere man who was honestly trying to be what was expected of him by
others.

I chose to live an honest life.  It didn't matter if I had acceptance from
a religion, a diety, blood relatives or friends.  What mattered the most
was that I was honest and loved and accepted myself as I was.  I have
never looked back and have never felt anything but true peace and
happiness since making that decision.

The only true way to lasting peace and personal wholeness is through self
acceptance.  Regardless of how sincere someone who is dealing with
homosexuality is about changing themselves, it's simply not possible. 
Anyone can fake a heterosexual lifestyle.  I did it.  Many other people
did it.  But peace and happiness only came from living an honest life. One
that was anchored in self acceptance.

So, it doesn't matter whether you suggested to Bryce to look into changing
his behavior or he came to you on his own.  It's not going to work.  He
can fake it to please you or the God I'm guessing he believes in, but it's
not real.  And if he continues to pursue that, he will find out like
everyone else who embarks on that journey, that it isn't real.  It isn't
an honest life.

But again, if this really was your response to finding out he is gay, it's
not an unusual response.  However, it is a naive and uninformed response.

It's never too late to do the right thing.  Rather than encourage or
enable Bryce to continue down a path which will only end in sorrow, defeat
and despair (history has proven this to be true), you have the unique
opportunity to lead by example with real parental love by teaching him
self acceptance.  Nothing heals self hate like self acceptance.

That may not be an easy task.  Sometimes the people who hate homosexuality
the most are people who are unable to accept themselves as gay.  But it is
not an impossible task.  Many people work through that to get to a life of
personal peace and wholeness.

For the slight chance that, as you have allegedly claimed, none of what
was reported about Bryce and you is true, you have an excellent
opportunity.  You can end the speculation and rumors by coming forward
publicly with Bryce (and that doesn't include online commentary).  Show
everyone that he is not missing and that he is at the very least working
on self acceptance.  A public appearance with a PFLAG (Parents Families &
Friends of Lesbians & Gays) representative would solidify what you are
claiming.  It would also provide a shining example of what a real parent
does when they find out their child is gay.  If you cannot find a PFLAG
rep, I'll stand in.

Think of the lives you could touch and change by putting to rest what you
have called "lies" about yourself and Bryce.  You could turn something
that you see as negative into something inspirational for other parents
and gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.

Why should you do it?  Why is this anyone's business?  In a world where so
many gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender kids and adults commit
suicide, it has become increasingly important for those of us who have
worked through issues such as this one to stand up and be counted.

Scary?  It can be.  Important?  Definitely.  But you are not alone in
this.  There are many people who would love nothing more than to provide
support for you and your son.

I am one of those people.  It is because of restorative therapy that my
nonprofit organization owns and runs http://www.exgay.com.  Take some time
to go through the site.  You can write back to me at this address or email
me directly from that website.

Rest assured that any contact with me will be kept confidential unless you
designate otherwise.

You have an opportunity to take something that seems so negative and turn
it around into something positive which will not only help you and Bryce
but help other families traveling the same road.

Been there, done that and here to help,
Marc Adams
marcadams at heartstrong.org
1425 Broadway #513
Seattle WA 98122